Listen

Responsive listening builds intimacy. Sharing our thoughts and feelings, and being understood and responded to with care makes both people feel more connected. In fact, this type of listening predicts relationship satisfaction. (A, B, C)

Active Listening

When somebody is talking about their life or feelings, really listen to what they are saying. Don’t leap to giving evaluation or advice.

1. Show non-verbally that you are listening, such as nodding, eye contact, and leaning forward.

2. At significant points, repeat back what they say, to show you have heard.

3. Ask follow-up questions, to explore their experience further.

“What was that like for you?”

“How did you come to that decision?”

4. Every so often, check to make sure you are understanding what they mean.

Reflect back what you’ve heard, and ask, “Is that right?”

Research tells us

Responsive listening builds intimacy. Sharing our thoughts and feelings, and being understood and caringly responded-to by another person makes both people feel good, connected, and predicts relationship satisfaction. (C, D, E)

Sharing and listening is a two way street. Being a good listener is a great start, but for true intimacy you also have to be willing to disclose your thoughts and feelings, and perceive that the other person is listening, respecting, and understanding you as well. Studies, including the one that generated the famous “36 Questions to Fall in Love With Anybody” (B), have shown that mutual personal disclosures of increasing depth can generate feelings of intimacy, even between strangers.

It’s not only deep stuff that matters, but also daily interests and anecdotes – sharing the currency of your lives. Ironically, due to something called the “closeness-communication bias” you may actually be more likely to disclose significant things to strangers than those closest to you. (A) Once we know somebody very well, we assume that we know what they are going to say, and therefore we pay less attention to what they actually say. The closeness-communication bias can also keep us form disclosing intimacies to our closest loved ones - either because they express less interest (they’re not listening as well), or because w fear their judgement or anticipate their reaction. Unfortunately, all these biases against listening to our closest people wears at those relationships, as we fail to share new details and our most pressing concerns.

Sources

Murphy, Kate. YOU'RE NOT LISTENING. Celadon Books, 2020.

(A) The closeness-communication bias: Increased egocentrism among friends versus strangers Kenneth Savitsky, Boaz Keysar, Nichola Epley, Travis Carter, Ashley Swanson. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2010.09.005. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology Volume 47, Issue 1, January 2011

Nichols, R. G., Stevens L. A. Listening to People. Harvard Business Review, September 1957.

(B) Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167297234003

(C) Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., & Holmes, J. G. (2004). Perceived partner responsiveness as an organizing construct in the study of intimacy and closeness. Handbook of closeness and intimacy, 201–225.

(D) Laurenceau, J. P., Barrett, L. F., & Rovine, M. J. (2005). The interpersonal process model of intimacy in marriage: a daily-diary and multilevel modeling approach. Journal of Family Psychology, 19, 314-323.

(E) Bodie, G.D., Vickery, A.J., Cannava, K., & Jones, S.M. (2015). The role of “active listening” in informal helping conversations: Impact on perceptions of listener helpfulness, sensitivity, and supportiveness and discloser emotional improvement. Western Journal of Communication, 79(2), 151-173.